Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.