god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
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The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
u spoke cat all this time??????
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back