“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Tony Hawk, age 6
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!