Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
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if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
beware of dog