“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
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Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*