By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.