My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
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New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options