O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
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Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.