Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
You Might Also Like
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Tier 3 meme
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention