[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
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Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom