This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*