The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
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My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
fourth time’s the charm
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?