How to wake up a Beagle
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*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee