*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.