The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
You Might Also Like
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song