Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
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Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.