Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
You Might Also Like
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight