I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Don’t talk down to me
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*