if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
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when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.