i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
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cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Me trying to “trust the process”
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
The glockness monster
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”