What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
You Might Also Like
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet