New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
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OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then