*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
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married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Pickled cat.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.