When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
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🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
selena gomez
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels