Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
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I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.