What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
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cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
estão todos miauvindo?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?