SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Florida be like…
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now