Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
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When you have to marry your mother-in-law
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Welcome to the stomach
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My Sentiments Exactly
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Kermit goes Blue.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?