[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
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How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it鈥檚 godzilla.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I鈥檓 sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i鈥檓 living for it LMFAO
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Some of y鈥檃ll tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
馃槼馃槼馃槼鈽曪笍鈽曪笍鈽曪笍鈽曪笍馃お馃お
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I hate my earbuds.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 馃憣
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.