OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
With this onion ring, I thee fed
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Barbie gone wild
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Never ghost your hitman.