2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
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*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean