I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
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Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!