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I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Me trying to reach for my goals
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
#damn
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.