burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
You Might Also Like
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.