the three best gummy flavors, together at last
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Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Whoa 😂
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me