I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
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Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I ate everything, including the H.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
*puts cutlery down*
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?