(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
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don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
File under excellent bookstore names.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )