I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
You Might Also Like
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
The pasta is now
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
necessity is the mother of invention
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
The struggle is real.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.