We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
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No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Fries, not lies.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.