*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
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Computer: shutting down
Me: same
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
📽️movie date🎞️
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I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.