Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
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“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?