5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
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Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.