Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
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I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
The asteroid..
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I have a place for everything. The floor.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron