Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist: