God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
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My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
The best shot in the history of golf
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
2022: I can fix it
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does