If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Ugh
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”