Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
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[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.