Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
why I oughta
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
wow he looks just like him
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile