This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Kids: Stay in school.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries