ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
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Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
😆this is so true
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up